What the heart wants

In the depths of my heart, a lifelong yearning dwells,

To find a place of belonging, where my story unfurls,

But I wander in the shadows, feeling so alone,

A nomad in this world, with no place to call my own.

My heart's a wellspring of love, abundant and free,

Yet I search for a vessel to pour its depths into with glee,

The one thing I crave above all since birth,

Is a family to embrace, the dearest gem in this world.

Yet fate plays a bitter tune, a cruel, unyielding hand,

For the family I long for, I cannot have I understand,

So I carry this yearning, a silent, heavy load,

In the depths of my soul, where these unspoken stories are sowed.

A Tale of two Best Friends

"Khoob ladi mardaani woh toh jhaansi wali rani thi". The memories of her sitting up on a hospital bed, recovering from an illness, and yet cheerfully singing this poem of the fiesty Queen of Jhaansi with full gusto, brandishing an invisible sword while galloping on an invisible horse, is still very vivid. The bright, young, joyful little girl had no inkling back then of what was to happen, of how her life would be turned upside down and what horrors she would have to see and experience for decades to come.

Pain has a way of bringing people together. Two little kids, a little girl and a little boy, each dealing with internal turmoil and terrifying monsters in their heads, found each other and became best of friends. They laughed together, made plans together and found solace in each other's company.

Their monsters still lived inside, waiting to rear their ugly heads at the slightest chance. As they grew, one ran from the monsters, and used alcohol and drugs to suppress their hold, while the other drew her sword and fought them. One succumbed to temptation, while the other fought relentlessly and never backed down. When she needed time to recoup, she used her shield to protect herself from the blow after blow falling on her, but never once left the battle. Even when the whole world doubted her, even when all the odds were against her, even when it looked like this was the end, she held on. He burned in the hell he created, while she did everything in her power to douse the inferno.

At one point, after years and years of living a nightmare, when his inferno threatened to destroy her and her whole family, she escaped. The inferno followed her, did everything in his power to catch her and feed his fire, for she was his fuel. She had kept him going all these years, it was her blood that he sucked on for strength, how could he survive without her? It took every ounce of strength she had to fight it and free herself from it's clutches.

Even after escaping the bondage, life did not leave her alone. It threw curveball after curveball at her, and she stayed in the game and dealt with catastrophe after catastrophe. The power and strength it took to go on this way was immense. He still continued to succumb to his monsters, and she still continued to stand up and fight.

There came a time when her arms grew tired of carrying the sword and the shield and her body grew tired of fighting. She fell to her feet, still grappling with everything that was coming her way. Her spirit was growing tired of the punches and her soul was starting to give up. The monsters pounced at the chance, grabbed her sword and broke it in half. They laughed menacingly and jeered at her, we will have you at long last, you shall finally surrender to us. The girl looked at their faces and thought, is this how it all ends? I have fought steadfastly for so many years, how can I let evil win? She gasped for breath and screamed for help. She had screamed for help before, and some form of help had always come. This time she wept to the Universe, I'm losing hope, I don't know how much longer I can hold on, please don't let evil win, please please come help me, I don't know how much longer my shield can protect me.

The Universe sent help, and this time it was not a magic potion for strength, it was not another sword, it was not an additional shield for protection, it was a Phoenix! It is time to end this, dear child, the Phoenix whispered into her ear, and proceeded to wrap it's majestic wings around her and set itself on fire. The girl burnt in the Phoenix's funeral pyre, but it did not hurt her one bit. The flames enveloped her with the warmth of a mother's loving embrace and she closed her eyes and felt relief wash over her. The flames, for all their warmth on the inside, was raging fiery hot on the outside. The monsters writhed in pain as the fire enveloped them and burnt them to the ground. The Phoenix continued to burn and slowly turned to ashes, along with the girl. Time ticked by in complete silence, without the slightest sign of movement. And then, slowly from the ashes, the Phoenix was born again, and so was the girl. They both rose once more, stronger, bolder and more powerful than ever before.

The sands of time are ever changing. Nothing remains the same forever. The fight was finally over. And what happened to the boy you ask? Alas, he gave in to his monsters and succumbed to death. A sad tale, but one that recapitulates the power of will and grit. One ended his misery and chose death, the other reinvented herself and chose life.

Take Me Home

One stormy night when the universe forced me to scream - "Enough is enough!", Life beckoned to me and whispered softly in my ears - "Take a deep breath, relax... There is so much beauty to behold, won't you for once remove your blindfold and look beyond?" And I wept, "Yes!! Please help me! Please get me out of here!"

"Of course, my love", said Life and guided me gently, lending a shoulder for me to lean on. Knowing full well that I am too exhausted to stand on my own, Life held me tightly and led me down a new road; stopping now and then to show all the wonderful little miracles of nature, telling me stories, comforting me when I wept at the thought of the big part of me that I had left behind as I embarked on a journey through this unknown terrain.

I knew not where I was going, but through my teary eyes I saw lilies and butterflies and dewdrops now in place of daggers and severed heads and blood.

I knew life was right, I now had a chance to heal, to leave the past behind. But oh! The agony of leaving everything I grew up with, every familiar sound and smell, made me writh, and many a nights I cried myself to sleep. Life never left my side, and always said patiently "Fret not, for I'm always here for you, and you will never be alone."

The new winding paths were lined with the most colourful flowers, yet my hand always extended towards the roses, pricking myself on the thorns, out of the sheer habit of spending my whole life upto now bleeding and hurting.

Every once in a while the gentle breeze running their fingers through my hair hinted at the possibility of better days to come. "Thunderstorms will come, your boat will rock, but you will survive", they said.

I walked further and the rabbits playing and hopping about gayly asked, "Aren't these strange lands better than where you have been?". "Yes, they are", I said, "but I have none to enjoy this beauty with!". "You have me", said Life. "Follow me, keep faith, and I will lead you towards the most beautiful spot you have ever seen. Do not resist, do not let anxiety about the unknown cloud your days, coz the day we arrive, you will find someone waiting there for you."

"Who are you?", you will ask this stranger in wonder, and the reply will come in soft tones, "I'm Peace, and I will remain your friend for life".

And that is the day you will know, you are finally home.

The Year 2015

This year has given me a lot of heart-wrenching bad memories. I have had a very hard time, not just because of external factors, but also because I got caught up within an emotional quicksand in my own head that pulled me down. My mind had latched on to negative emotions, bitterness triggered by events that felt unfair and unjust, which in turn had me feeling victimized. I was feeling overpowered by the weight of pent up negativity. I tried and tried again to take things lightly, to not let myself get bogged down under external influences, but it was hard, and I didn’t make good enough efforts, so naturally didn’t get the results I sought, causing embarrassment, guilt and resentment to swell and leave me feeling strangled and breathless.

As this year draws to a close, the fresh prospects and hope that comes with the onset of the New Year, makes this the best time to throw away pent up negativity, free my mind of the emotional baggage and give myself closure. The first step is to accept that one has no control over some things. The suffering may not cease to exist, but one has to teach oneself to handle the same issue with a new understanding. Release the clouds of negative attachment by practicing the art of forgiveness, channelizing the mind into hobbies and interactions that give you positive vibes, and also by practicing the exercise of gratitude which will allow us to continuously seek and appreciate positive experiences.

Even if I cannot control what new experiences might come my way in 2016, I can try my best to control my reactions to them.

And so, my motto for the New Year is going to be “No More Tears”.

Narcissism and Mental Abuse

Sometimes the charm a person exhibits prevents you from seeing the narcissism in them. When you first meet them, there is something about them that entices. It seems like an irresistible pull to someone who so perfectly matches your needs and wants. However, the fairy tale soon ends.

The narcissist says the other person changed, and the hapless victim believes. So, desperate to return back to the fairy tale, they became whatever the narcissist demands. But it was not enough. The more the more the victim acquiesce, the more ultimatums surface.

Instead of doubting yourself over and over again, look at the other person's behavior. Could they be narcissistic? What does a narcissistic person even look like? Does the person exhibit the below characteristics...?

• Expects you to meet their needs at all times? You are required to anticipate what, how, and when they need admiration and adoration. This is a one-way street where you give, they take but they don’t give in return.
• Projects their negative characteristics onto you? They say you are needy, never satisfied, ungrateful for all they do, and have unreasonable expectations. Yet your friends and family have not verbalized any such complaints about you.
• Get jealous of anyone or thing that has your attention over them? This includes children, pets, friends, family and occupation. Their jealousy triggers intense rage and sometimes violence for which you are subsequently blamed.
• Provoke you to leave by being cruel during an argument? This accomplishes two things: it verifies that you will in fact one day abandon them and it sets the narcissist up to be the victim.Either way, the narcissist has gained more ammunition to use against you.
• Punish you with abuse or neglect? The abuse can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, or psychological. Or they will withhold love, attention, support, and communication. There is nothing unconditional about their love, it is very performance driven.
• Threaten abandonment if you don’t comply with their wishes? Most likely, you have abandonment issues, which is why the narcissist targeted you for marriage in the first place. Your fear of abandonment will keep you in the relationship longer.
• Uses remorse as a manipulation tool? Real remorse takes time to implement in order for trust to be regained. The narcissist will expect an immediate return to the same level of trust as before.

Once a person is identified as a narcissist, understand that this is not a situation you can handle alone. It would probably be best to get the perspective of a third party to assist you in handling that person.

If you feel you are intentionally exploited by your spouse; endure regular insults and rejection, alternating with affirmation; and feel manipulated into doing or saying something out of character, then they might be experiencing abuse.

Abuse is not just physical. There are many other forms of abuse, such as sexual, financial, emotional, mental, and verbal. While some of the other forms of abuse are obvious, mental abuse by a narcissist can be difficult to spot.

It starts simply with a casual comment about anything: color of the wall, dishes in the sink, or the car needing maintenance. The remark is taken out of context by the narcissist to mean that their spouse disapproves of them in some way. If the person tries to explain that wasn’t the intention, the narcissist goes off on a tirade, which ends in the person feeling like he/she is losing their mind.

How did this happen? Here are several favorite narcissistic mental abuse tactics:

1.     Rage – This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing (remember the wire hanger scene from the movie “Mommie Dearest”). It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.

2.     Gaslighting – Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further      causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.

3.     The Stare – This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it.  It is designed to scare a victim into submission, and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.

4.     Silent Treatment – Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they lets their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.

5.     Projection – They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.

6.     Twisting – When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.

7.     Manipulation – A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with “No.” This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.

8.     Victim Card – When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

Learn and memorize these maneuvers, remain silent when they are being used, and end the conversation as soon as possible. This will keep you from being a victim of mental abuse.

~ Extract from psychcentral By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC 

Christine Hammond is the award winning author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iBooks.

Speak Up!!

This speech by the character Elle Woods from the movie "Legally Blonde 2 - Red, White and Blonde", set me thinking. How many times in life had I sat back and stifled the voice inside me, knowing things were happening against what I would've wanted; thinking, perhaps they know better. Afraid to speak up. Afraid to stand up to what I believed in, fearing it would be impolite, or rude to interrupt. But haven't I always regretted my silence and my inability to voice my concerns later on? I've spent hours cursing the situation, blaming anything and anyone but myself. But, come to think of it, it would've just taken a right word spoken at the right time, or in other words, belief in my conscience, to set everything right. That's why people say, follow your heart. Follow your very own Jiminy Cricket, your conscience.

I hope that this speech will help me remember, from this day forward, to use my voice and to SPEAK UP.

Speech by Elle Woods – Legally Blonde 2

You see there’s a salon in Beverly Hills. It’s really fancy and beautiful. But it’s impossible to get an appointment. I mean, unless you are Julia Roberts or one of the girls from France, you can just forget it. But one day, they called me, they had an opening. So I was gonna finally get the chance to sit in one of those sacred beauty chairs. I was soooo excited. But then the colorist gave me brassy brajeen instead of harlo honey. The shampoo girl washed my hair with spiral perm solution instead of color intensive moisturing conditioning shampoo. Finally the stylist gave me a bob, with bangs.

Suffice to say, it was just wrong, all wrong, for me.

First I was angry. And then I realized, my anger was completely misdirected. I mean, this wasn’t the salon’s fault. I had sat there and witnessed this injustice and I just let it happen. I didn’t get involved in the process. I forgot to use my voice. I forgot to believe in myself. But now I know better. I know that one honest voice can be louder than a crowd. I know that if we loose our voice or if we let those who speak for on our behalf, compromise our voice, well then this country, this country is in for a really bad haircut. So speak up, America. Speak up!! Speak up for the home of the brave. Speak up for the land of the free gift with purchase. Speak up, America!! Speak up!!

And remember, you are beautiful.

I promise myself

I promise myself…

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best
And to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of
Others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the
greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile
To every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I
have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side,
so long as I am true to the best that is in me.