Sometimes the charm a person exhibits prevents you from seeing the narcissism in them. When you first meet them, there is something about them that entices. It seems like an irresistible pull to someone who so perfectly matches your needs and wants. However, the fairy tale soon ends.
The narcissist says the other person changed, and the hapless victim believes. So, desperate to return back to the fairy tale, they became whatever the narcissist demands. But it was not enough. The more the more the victim acquiesce, the more ultimatums surface.
Instead of doubting yourself over and over again, look at the other person's behavior. Could they be narcissistic? What does a narcissistic person even look like? Does the person exhibit the below characteristics...?
- Expects you to meet their needs at all times? You are required to anticipate what, how, and when they need admiration and adoration. This is a one-way street where you give, they take but they don’t give in return.
- Projects their negative characteristics onto you? They say you are needy, never satisfied, ungrateful for all they do, and have unreasonable expectations. Yet your friends and family have not verbalized any such complaints about you.
- Get jealous of anyone or thing that has your attention over them? This includes children, pets, friends, family and occupation. Their jealousy triggers intense rage and sometimes violence for which you are subsequently blamed.
- Provoke you to leave by being cruel during an argument? This accomplishes two things: it verifies that you will in fact one day abandon them and it sets the narcissist up to be the victim.Either way, the narcissist has gained more ammunition to use against you.
- Punish you with abuse or neglect? The abuse can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, or psychological. Or they will withhold love, attention, support, and communication. There is nothing unconditional about their love, it is very performance driven.
- Threaten abandonment if you don’t comply with their wishes? Most likely, you have abandonment issues, which is why the narcissist targeted you for marriage in the first place. Your fear of abandonment will keep you in the relationship longer.
- Uses remorse as a manipulation tool? Real remorse takes time to implement in order for trust to be regained. The narcissist will expect an immediate return to the same level of trust as before.
Once a person is identified as a narcissist, understand that this is not a situation you can handle alone. It would probably be best to get the perspective of a third party to assist you in handling that person.
If you feel you are intentionally exploited by your spouse; endure regular insults and rejection, alternating with affirmation; and feel manipulated into doing or saying something out of character, then they might be experiencing abuse.
Abuse is not just physical. There are many other forms of abuse, such as sexual, financial, emotional, mental, and verbal. While some of the other forms of abuse are obvious, mental abuse by a narcissist can be difficult to spot.
It starts simply with a casual comment about anything: color of the wall, dishes in the sink, or the car needing maintenance. The remark is taken out of context by the narcissist to mean that their spouse disapproves of them in some way. If the person tries to explain that wasn’t the intention, the narcissist goes off on a tirade, which ends in the person feeling like he/she is losing their mind.
How did this happen? Here are several favorite narcissistic mental abuse tactics:
1. Rage – This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing (remember the wire hanger scene from the movie “Mommie Dearest”). It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.
2. Gaslighting – Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.
3. The Stare – This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it. It is designed to scare a victim into submission, and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.
4. Silent Treatment – Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they lets their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
5. Projection – They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.
6. Twisting – When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.
7. Manipulation – A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with “No.” This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.
8. Victim Card – When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.
Learn and memorize these maneuvers, remain silent when they are being used, and end the conversation as soon as possible. This will keep you from being a victim of mental abuse.
~ Extract from psychcentral By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC
Christine Hammond is the award winning author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iBooks.
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